I get overwhelmed at the thought of ever not being around. i have expressed this before here I have never been scared of death, not of my own or in general. BUT i am. i am terrified of dying now . Not because i am scared. I am not scared of that of "dying" because it is life. unfortunately it still does not make it fair or easy to deal with when someone you love passes away be it illness, old age, or accident. its going to happen. Iv always wanted a career secretly in the mortuary business so i am not scared of death. I AM scared however of dying and Isla forgetting me. I am scared she will be young and her memories of mommy will fade. I think that is why i make it a point to make sure to document, take pictures, go above and beyond to ensure these memories are captured. I want her to know how much i love her! How happy she makes me and how she brightens up my world! i want her to know that mommy would do anything for her. I keep a journal for her where i write my deepest thoughts, my love notes, her growth. No parent ever wants to bury a child, well i don't want to miss anything in her life be it little or a huge milestone! I look at her little face and i cant fathom anyone ever taking my place. I have written isla a letter that i intend on updating as she gets older and as i get older. sort of a if i am gone letter. i know creepy but i think of these things now, the way we have a will for the reason if my husband and i were to simultaneously pass away. I have to protect my daughter and i have to make sure she will be taken care of. Its a fear i live with and the way that i deal with it is by not exposing my self in situation where i know could be potentially dangerous! I have to do whatever i can. Being a mother there is so rewarding. and iv said this before With love comes pain.
This was sort of a out of nowhere post. its a fear i want to get out of my head and move on...
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