Why i am NOT against Pacifiers

There are the parents are against pacifiers and some that are for. I am FOR. i remember when i was pregnant with isla reading somewhere about SIDS and how babies often "forget to breath" and which is why they fall in to that state of sleep and don't wake up... This was always the scary thing to me and it continues to scare me. I have seen when isla is sleeping she will be sucking on her paci and all of sudden stop,then she will realize that the paci has slipped her lips and she imminently will suck it back up therefore keep her breathing.between co sleeping and the Paci I pray we can have a little security.  i do how ever will be taking this away from my little cutie as soon as she goes in the big girl potty! thats always been my rule and my mentality. Its your own little timeline that I am hoping we can stick to.

I have to admit I love the way I can look through my camera roll and in the pictures we take of her the Paci makes an appearance 87% of the time. its her little signature look.


She is so particular however to the ones she uses as you can see thats her type she won't take any other.  that Paci looked do cute in her little mouth framing her little face pretty much consuming her whole little 5 pound 6oz little face when she was born.

Dear frankie

                                      

Hello my husband 

It is my first night with out you.(4/13/2014) My chest is tight and I feel very down. What gets me through is I am able to talk to you for now and you say the right things to make me catch my breath. its going to be a challenge everyday for me since you are very much a part of me. Your my other half and we have not been apart longer than a week in our almost 9 years. It's going to be a test for us. I know that we will get through this and continue to be strong and united as we always have been. The longest 6 months of my life for sure, but I am your lioness and I am going to be strong for you and our girls.Since you departed I decided that I would write you and share memories that I have captured in your absence. Little moments and things they have done and said and pictures.  We miss you so much and love you.cant tell you how proud I am of you and thank you for making sacrifices and giving me the gift of being my provider so I can stay home with our girls. There is Light at the end of the tunnel and a finish line I can't wait to cross to give you all the kisses and holds I've been wanting to give you. Life is better with you and makes my heart happy to know we have a lifetime of eachother ahead of us. 

I LIFE you my soldier. 

                                  

        

Mommy guilt

I have some days where I am laying and bed and I feel guilty. I feel guilty I didn't get cuddles, or feel like I didn't give either Isla, or Ezra extra or enough love. I know they say it is completely normal for the first born to act out because of their new sibling but I just feel like it's more than that. We changed her (isla's) world by adding a new little member to our family and although we did our best to make her feel apart of the whole pregnancy and explaining to her all about her new role as a big sister I still feel like she gets left out. I have guilt that some days I am so exhausted and I just go about my day like a robot getting things just done. I don't take the extra time to do an activity with Isla. Ezra has been so diffrent and very needy I feel like I leave Isla out. There are times where Isla ask me to play with her and I just can't because Ezra needs something, or even if Ezra is asleep i might have something I need to do house wise or even personal wise and i don't take the time. When will this mommy guilt go away. I feel as though I can't do enough to keep each member happy and in the mix have a functional home or even make an ounce of time for my self. I feel selfish when I want to watch a netflix show while Ezra naps and Isla plays in the living room. Granted I am cleaning our bedroom or putting away a load of laundry as I am trying to watch a show, but this is time I could just STOP and go play doll house with Isla. I have yet to find the in between where I can keep sane and give Isla the attention she needs. Isla was so used to having me all to her self and I was so used to the simplicity of one child. I rocked,I had it down pat. Now I feel like at the end of the day once it's Islas bed time I am able to relax and take some time to our selves maybe watch a movie with my husband in bed before Islas 12:30 feeding but the problem there is I don't make it through the first half hour of the movie there fore neglecting my husband. I often compare my self to some mamas I follow on Instagram and wonder how I can't seem to keep a happy home in my situation but here these woman work,are full time mamas, maintain a home and STILL do activities with their children and did I mention have dinner ready for their spouses. How do they do it??? I lay in bed "trying" to catch up on some of my reading and end up scrambling my brain as to how I can keep everyone happy. I grab Isla and will cuddle her as she sleeps and give her the love I wish I could show her more of during the day, that one on one time. Don't get me wrong I make sure to make time for some mommy and me alone time so my girl can feel special but this guilt kills me. Finding the balance is something I am sure will just come and routine our lives to ensure a smooth transition. Isla just be patient with mommy the way I know you are. You are my sweet sweet girl and you are never far from my mind and my intentions. 

Middle of the night...

Your little body pressed up against me and I am inspired. Feeling your heart beat and the way you in twine your little body in mine. We lay wrapped up in each other after you made your way into Mommy's and daddy's bed early in the morning. Earlier than you usually wake up. You are in my arms and you whisper to me " thank you mommy" a little pause and I ask you "for what?" You respond for "hugging me in cuddles" you will never know what these little moments mean to me Isla. Your little voice makes me smile. I am still in awe of you and how you are growing into this little girl that I can't live without. I love how you are always after me to hold you and kiss you. Randomly through out our day coming up to me telling me " mommy kiss me" it just makes my day. 

Dear Isla, thank you for making my day brighter every day in your own way. I look forward to what the day has in store for is daily and the new little thing you do and say. You are so bright and it's so amazing to see your daily development. You are currently in gymnastics and loving your weekly sessions right now daddy is taking you to them like a daddy and Isla bonding time. Daddy will be leaving us soon come April for work and it's going to be so hard on all of us so you are going to have to help mommy and brighten and make me smile, like you do. We will get through it. So for now that's what you and daddy are up to and park visits and walks too of course. With mommy you spend a lot of time. We play and read and we go to our weekly library story time and craft time visits. We go to the mall and do our little routine of playing in the kid zone and then we have lunch followed by a visit to the Disney store topped off with a visit to see's candy for our free sample :) you insist on this routine every time. We have play dates And go on our little mommy Isla dates. You are really into playing pretend lately and dressing up. I enjoy watching you play with your babies and dolls and just hear  your little imagination role play. It's so silly to hear you tell your babies things mommy tells you. For example we have been working on having you listen and follow directions before jumping in to the activity. So mommy is saying to you " listen to my words" and I can hear you scold your doll and repeat mommy's words so silly. Therefor reminding us that we need to watch what we say closely because mommy can have a potty mouth. Sometimes but around you I am very very careful. It's funny to hear you repeat some of the things us adults say. Daddy and mommy love to call out who you got what from. Like you hear grama say " let's go move it move it move" and you will choose to plug that in when we are running late and you see I am frantic checking off our list. I can't help but chuckle at the way you so casually throw quotes out at us. Your newest thing is I tell you I love you a lot,and you say I love you a little because you are little not fat lol. I also tell you I love you forever and you say I love you for always. Just so sweet. I love your little personality. Anyone that comes around you can't help but be drawn in by you. You are definitely a dynamic personality and you are a leader for sure. I love these things about you. 

You definitely make our world so bright and exciting each day. You make us laugh even when you don't  know you do. Especially after Witty comments that we don't necessarily approve of but find entertaining. Keep being your colorful self. I love you forever. 

                             

  

A sunset forever captured

                                       

                 These California sunset may be numbered for our little family...

 

I love the way my life has beautifully changed. I'm having one of those moments where I am staring at a picture from today and realize "wow my life is so different" not in a bad way at all but in a lovely way. I am not saying at all that it's not right where I wanted it. It brings back the age ol question "where do you see your self 5 years from now, or even 10 years from now" well I'll have to get back to you on the 10 years in the year 2022 because  I did something cheesy and wrote my self a letter to be opened 10 years after I turned 25  to see how life has changed since then. I can't recall for the life of me what I wrote so I guess the anticipation game starts now. Kinda neat I should say. Back to a moment caught forever in a picture, particularly the one with both my girls. "My girls" I love saying that. I have two beautiful little beings who call me mommy or one that does and the other can't talk yet... Being she is 4 months old yet all her squeals, excited yells are just as sweet. none the less I am excited for the day I hear that word come out of Ezra's mouth. The way when isla called me "mama" for the first time. My heart literally skipped a beat and there were tears involved, happy tears of course. I still can't believe I am blessed to have them. I have plural now kid's not just a kid. How my life has changed is beyond enticing. I love waking up to my husband every day. He is my best friend, my soul mate. He makes this whole married thing you think about when you are young so wonderful. How this man loves me first thing in the morning in my unattractive state and tells me I am beautiful. He never fails to complement me at least once a day. Makes me think that although growing up is hard to do it is so worth it since the benefits are beyond rewarding and make life so worth it. Sort of like having children  and going through the whole no sleep thing as newborns and later in life their little tantrums and other issues they may face as they grow. Makes this all that much more worth it.The best thing is that I get to go through life with my best friend raising our creations. It's so nuts to think that my husband and I made these little girls. They belong to us. Half of me and Half of him.They are the reason I breath, they are my purpose in life. My husband and my daughters are my everything. Without knowing and just going with it the husband suggested to go to the beach and watch the sunset and of course like always I was more than willing to rush out the door at 7:00 pm just to beat the sunset at 7:42 that day. Blessed to live where we live and have the ability to do so. There is a calming feeling when we are at the beach I feel in tuned, must be the Aquarius in me. Now we get to admire these pictures and be taken back to that moment. That moment in where I think to my self this is what life is about, this is where I see my self 5 years from now. 10 years,20years,60 years. Surrounded by them and their lives god willing. I am right where I want to be and I am more than accepting and blessed where my life has taken me. I have a hard job. I love my job. I am a mommy and wife and I am damn good at it. I wouldn't trade my life for the world. Counting my blessings. I got three right here next to me.