Why i am NOT against Pacifiers

There are the parents are against pacifiers and some that are for. I am FOR. i remember when i was pregnant with isla reading somewhere about SIDS and how babies often "forget to breath" and which is why they fall in to that state of sleep and don't wake up... This was always the scary thing to me and it continues to scare me. I have seen when isla is sleeping she will be sucking on her paci and all of sudden stop,then she will realize that the paci has slipped her lips and she imminently will suck it back up therefore keep her breathing.between co sleeping and the Paci I pray we can have a little security.  i do how ever will be taking this away from my little cutie as soon as she goes in the big girl potty! thats always been my rule and my mentality. Its your own little timeline that I am hoping we can stick to.

I have to admit I love the way I can look through my camera roll and in the pictures we take of her the Paci makes an appearance 87% of the time. its her little signature look.


She is so particular however to the ones she uses as you can see thats her type she won't take any other.  that Paci looked do cute in her little mouth framing her little face pretty much consuming her whole little 5 pound 6oz little face when she was born.

Dear frankie

                                      

Hello my husband 

It is my first night with out you.(4/13/2014) My chest is tight and I feel very down. What gets me through is I am able to talk to you for now and you say the right things to make me catch my breath. its going to be a challenge everyday for me since you are very much a part of me. Your my other half and we have not been apart longer than a week in our almost 9 years. It's going to be a test for us. I know that we will get through this and continue to be strong and united as we always have been. The longest 6 months of my life for sure, but I am your lioness and I am going to be strong for you and our girls.Since you departed I decided that I would write you and share memories that I have captured in your absence. Little moments and things they have done and said and pictures.  We miss you so much and love you.cant tell you how proud I am of you and thank you for making sacrifices and giving me the gift of being my provider so I can stay home with our girls. There is Light at the end of the tunnel and a finish line I can't wait to cross to give you all the kisses and holds I've been wanting to give you. Life is better with you and makes my heart happy to know we have a lifetime of eachother ahead of us. 

I LIFE you my soldier. 

                                  

        

Mommy guilt

I have some days where I am laying and bed and I feel guilty. I feel guilty I didn't get cuddles, or feel like I didn't give either Isla, or Ezra extra or enough love. I know they say it is completely normal for the first born to act out because of their new sibling but I just feel like it's more than that. We changed her (isla's) world by adding a new little member to our family and although we did our best to make her feel apart of the whole pregnancy and explaining to her all about her new role as a big sister I still feel like she gets left out. I have guilt that some days I am so exhausted and I just go about my day like a robot getting things just done. I don't take the extra time to do an activity with Isla. Ezra has been so diffrent and very needy I feel like I leave Isla out. There are times where Isla ask me to play with her and I just can't because Ezra needs something, or even if Ezra is asleep i might have something I need to do house wise or even personal wise and i don't take the time. When will this mommy guilt go away. I feel as though I can't do enough to keep each member happy and in the mix have a functional home or even make an ounce of time for my self. I feel selfish when I want to watch a netflix show while Ezra naps and Isla plays in the living room. Granted I am cleaning our bedroom or putting away a load of laundry as I am trying to watch a show, but this is time I could just STOP and go play doll house with Isla. I have yet to find the in between where I can keep sane and give Isla the attention she needs. Isla was so used to having me all to her self and I was so used to the simplicity of one child. I rocked,I had it down pat. Now I feel like at the end of the day once it's Islas bed time I am able to relax and take some time to our selves maybe watch a movie with my husband in bed before Islas 12:30 feeding but the problem there is I don't make it through the first half hour of the movie there fore neglecting my husband. I often compare my self to some mamas I follow on Instagram and wonder how I can't seem to keep a happy home in my situation but here these woman work,are full time mamas, maintain a home and STILL do activities with their children and did I mention have dinner ready for their spouses. How do they do it??? I lay in bed "trying" to catch up on some of my reading and end up scrambling my brain as to how I can keep everyone happy. I grab Isla and will cuddle her as she sleeps and give her the love I wish I could show her more of during the day, that one on one time. Don't get me wrong I make sure to make time for some mommy and me alone time so my girl can feel special but this guilt kills me. Finding the balance is something I am sure will just come and routine our lives to ensure a smooth transition. Isla just be patient with mommy the way I know you are. You are my sweet sweet girl and you are never far from my mind and my intentions. 

Middle of the night...

Your little body pressed up against me and I am inspired. Feeling your heart beat and the way you in twine your little body in mine. We lay wrapped up in each other after you made your way into Mommy's and daddy's bed early in the morning. Earlier than you usually wake up. You are in my arms and you whisper to me " thank you mommy" a little pause and I ask you "for what?" You respond for "hugging me in cuddles" you will never know what these little moments mean to me Isla. Your little voice makes me smile. I am still in awe of you and how you are growing into this little girl that I can't live without. I love how you are always after me to hold you and kiss you. Randomly through out our day coming up to me telling me " mommy kiss me" it just makes my day. 

Dear Isla, thank you for making my day brighter every day in your own way. I look forward to what the day has in store for is daily and the new little thing you do and say. You are so bright and it's so amazing to see your daily development. You are currently in gymnastics and loving your weekly sessions right now daddy is taking you to them like a daddy and Isla bonding time. Daddy will be leaving us soon come April for work and it's going to be so hard on all of us so you are going to have to help mommy and brighten and make me smile, like you do. We will get through it. So for now that's what you and daddy are up to and park visits and walks too of course. With mommy you spend a lot of time. We play and read and we go to our weekly library story time and craft time visits. We go to the mall and do our little routine of playing in the kid zone and then we have lunch followed by a visit to the Disney store topped off with a visit to see's candy for our free sample :) you insist on this routine every time. We have play dates And go on our little mommy Isla dates. You are really into playing pretend lately and dressing up. I enjoy watching you play with your babies and dolls and just hear  your little imagination role play. It's so silly to hear you tell your babies things mommy tells you. For example we have been working on having you listen and follow directions before jumping in to the activity. So mommy is saying to you " listen to my words" and I can hear you scold your doll and repeat mommy's words so silly. Therefor reminding us that we need to watch what we say closely because mommy can have a potty mouth. Sometimes but around you I am very very careful. It's funny to hear you repeat some of the things us adults say. Daddy and mommy love to call out who you got what from. Like you hear grama say " let's go move it move it move" and you will choose to plug that in when we are running late and you see I am frantic checking off our list. I can't help but chuckle at the way you so casually throw quotes out at us. Your newest thing is I tell you I love you a lot,and you say I love you a little because you are little not fat lol. I also tell you I love you forever and you say I love you for always. Just so sweet. I love your little personality. Anyone that comes around you can't help but be drawn in by you. You are definitely a dynamic personality and you are a leader for sure. I love these things about you. 

You definitely make our world so bright and exciting each day. You make us laugh even when you don't  know you do. Especially after Witty comments that we don't necessarily approve of but find entertaining. Keep being your colorful self. I love you forever. 

                             

  

A sunset forever captured

                                       

                 These California sunset may be numbered for our little family...

 

I love the way my life has beautifully changed. I'm having one of those moments where I am staring at a picture from today and realize "wow my life is so different" not in a bad way at all but in a lovely way. I am not saying at all that it's not right where I wanted it. It brings back the age ol question "where do you see your self 5 years from now, or even 10 years from now" well I'll have to get back to you on the 10 years in the year 2022 because  I did something cheesy and wrote my self a letter to be opened 10 years after I turned 25  to see how life has changed since then. I can't recall for the life of me what I wrote so I guess the anticipation game starts now. Kinda neat I should say. Back to a moment caught forever in a picture, particularly the one with both my girls. "My girls" I love saying that. I have two beautiful little beings who call me mommy or one that does and the other can't talk yet... Being she is 4 months old yet all her squeals, excited yells are just as sweet. none the less I am excited for the day I hear that word come out of Ezra's mouth. The way when isla called me "mama" for the first time. My heart literally skipped a beat and there were tears involved, happy tears of course. I still can't believe I am blessed to have them. I have plural now kid's not just a kid. How my life has changed is beyond enticing. I love waking up to my husband every day. He is my best friend, my soul mate. He makes this whole married thing you think about when you are young so wonderful. How this man loves me first thing in the morning in my unattractive state and tells me I am beautiful. He never fails to complement me at least once a day. Makes me think that although growing up is hard to do it is so worth it since the benefits are beyond rewarding and make life so worth it. Sort of like having children  and going through the whole no sleep thing as newborns and later in life their little tantrums and other issues they may face as they grow. Makes this all that much more worth it.The best thing is that I get to go through life with my best friend raising our creations. It's so nuts to think that my husband and I made these little girls. They belong to us. Half of me and Half of him.They are the reason I breath, they are my purpose in life. My husband and my daughters are my everything. Without knowing and just going with it the husband suggested to go to the beach and watch the sunset and of course like always I was more than willing to rush out the door at 7:00 pm just to beat the sunset at 7:42 that day. Blessed to live where we live and have the ability to do so. There is a calming feeling when we are at the beach I feel in tuned, must be the Aquarius in me. Now we get to admire these pictures and be taken back to that moment. That moment in where I think to my self this is what life is about, this is where I see my self 5 years from now. 10 years,20years,60 years. Surrounded by them and their lives god willing. I am right where I want to be and I am more than accepting and blessed where my life has taken me. I have a hard job. I love my job. I am a mommy and wife and I am damn good at it. I wouldn't trade my life for the world. Counting my blessings. I got three right here next to me.

 

Hard to believe

It's been 5 months since Isla became a big sister. 

It's been 5 months since Ezra came In to this world and made our little family complete. 

It's been 5 months since we became parents of two beautiful and healthy little girls. 

Amazing to think that my husband and i will be celebrating 9 years this April. How it all began back In 2005 and  we are here now. How our simple carefree lives have changed. It was an adjustment going from just selfishly  living just us  two to the three of us and now the four of us. Life is a blessing. We created these little humans and now are in charge of their little lives. We are their providers, their caregivers, their voice, their memory makers and captures. It's amazing to be a mother. I always knew I wanted children but was in no rush to achieve that. I say achieve because to me my babies are my biggest achievement. Amazing to think back when I found out we were pregnant five years in to our relationship and how it just seemed to be something that we both accepted because well we were in Iove and we didn't do anything to prevent it. The best decision we have ever made was to become a family and unite our lives forever in holy matrimony. I can't imagine my life any other way. I am where i want to be and with who I want to Share my life. In less than a month now I will have to face the biggest "real" challenge i have ever had to face in our relationship. My husband decided to join the force and give our family a chance at achivieving greater. I know that this decision came late in his life and it was a hard one at that. After going through out turbulances we decided that this was the best for us. I say we because we are a unit,but in reality it was my husband who decided To make this happen. For several personal reasons the most important one was to allow me to stay home and raise my babies. I will forever be thankful for his sacrifice. Funny how time has a way of changing our paths and how I see our life changed. I am faced with like I said the biggest challenge that I have ever faced, that is being away from my husband for over 5 months. In our 9 years of courtship we have probably spent no more than two months combined not consecutively. One night here one night there type of deal. We have been unseperable from the beginning. I mean it. It feels like I can't breath without him. Like I can't sleep or think without him. He is my soul my partner in life. Even when we went through a hard time three years in to our relationship is nothing compared to what we are facing now. He is my rock. He is my best friend. He is my relief at the end of a hard day. I don't  know how I will be with out him. I know it will be hard and that we will go crazy with out eachother but it will be worth it. We have to stay strong for our little family and just push through because it is only temporary. I know I will keep my self busy with my girls and this time away will go by fast. Staying strong for my soldier and trying to comfort him once we are able to communicate again. So much can change in 5 months and it's the reality we are faced with, I want to document for him the time away from his girls so he feels as though he was never gone. Good thing is Ezra is young enough to not remember this time away and Isla is old enough to understand yet maybe forget that daddy was away from us. I don't want them to remember that part. I don't want to remember that part. It's not going to be easy but I know life will go on and I need to be strong for him and hold on my end of the deal and be his "lioness" I can't wait for October. I want to make sure that I update our blog so that the girls can have a time capsule and able to look back at our life as well as document our family journey. 

Dear Ezra

                                    
You are 10 days new...

What an amazing 10 days it has been. I still can't believe I am a mama of two beautiful little human beings. You came In to our family and fit right in. I'll admit I was so nervous as to how things would play out but have only been pleasantly surprised to find out that it feels so complete now that you are here with us now. Life feels so surreal. I look at your little features and I am in awe of you. Mommy loves you so much it was love at first sight as I knew it would be. My love just grows for you daily. So amazing how your heart just expands and suddenly you realize that you my little Ezra was the missing piece. You came In to this world October 22,2013 at 3:34 pm. Weighing in at 6 pounds 7 ounces and 20 3/4 long! And a head full of hair! Such amazing feeling to know you are finally here with us. You came two weeks early and we were already so eager to meet you. Our start at home was a little rough but not anything because of you, but unfortunately because  your sister caught the flu and was sick with a fever of 102 when we brought you home. Mommy and daddy had to keep you both seperated for the first three days. The good thing was that your sister Isla was already at the end of it.  Killed me to be at the hospital having you and knowing your sister was so sick and wanted mommy. So there we were sanitizing EVERYTHING constantly and using Lysol all over the house and we succeeded because you didn't catch the bug, now daddy on the other hand poor guy did. Our rough start only made us realize that after that was all over with we got this whole two babies thing down! We survived! :) 

A little about you pretty baby is that you just like your sister are perfect! Everything at the hospital was smooth sailing and once home you continued to impress us. You certainly are an eater. Daddy says that you are your sister but enhanced. Isla was such a perfect baby and you are just that. You eat so well, sleep so well and NEVER cry. You are a little grunter which we find absolutely adorable. When you are waking for a meal you do these cute little grunts and it lets me know you are stearing up for a feeding and we get you fed and changed so happily. I look forward to seeing your little face for your feedings. We are all so very in love with you. You are thriving so well at your post birth visit 4 days after you gained a pound! So cute my little chubby cheeks. :) god is wonderful and has blessed us yet again, you are my little borrowed angel. We love you so much and I just can't wait to make memories for you and your sister. Life is good. 

                                  

"The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you figured out why"- Mark Twain