Mommy guilt of two.

From my drafts;

I don't have guilt in the sense that I feel over whelmed with two kids and can't handle it at times, because sometimes it gets a little tiring but its because I am human. Although at times I struggle to balance life with my girls thats not my guilt. My guilt is that I did so much with my first born and feel bad trying to catch up with my second. I pride my self in the ability to be able to be a well balanced mother of two. what do for one I do for the other. ALWAYS. I like to take the time individually for both for some mommy and me alone time swell as the three of us. However my girls both have journals I have been writing for them during my pregnancy and their little lives going on but Isla's is a little more decorative. I try so hard to keep up with it, but at times it seems to fall short. I just want my girls to know that they don't need to judge my love, attention on what I do for either but simply for the memories they can remember.

I have read so much that I am not the only one who feels way, I find a little comfort but I just want to feel as though I do my best. my goal is to be sure that both my girls feel loved... evenly. I love each one of who they are individually. never one more than the other.
 Just a little something that I want to share.

Isla

I love the way you are such a sweet heart. I love that you are so caring and always so in tuned to others emotions.

I love the spirit you have

I love that you are such a girly girl

I love that you can offer so much with just your smile.

I love that you are so creative.

I love the way you have a way are so intential with your feelings and consideration

Ezra

I love the way you are set in our little ways. in the beginning it was hard for mommy to get over because as a newborn you knew what you wanted and there is no denying. That characteristic made you such an individual born to stand out.

I love the way you are so whitty.

I love that you have such a sense of adventure always

I love that you are strong.

I love that you are unapologetically you 

I love that you are so blunt

Isla

YOU amaze me. there is so much to say, so many emotions and feelings that go through my mind when I think about you and the stage that you are in. You are my 7 year old. My first grader. My smart little cookie. You have no idea just how proud you make me, I get flooded with so many emotions when I see you thriving and when I get compliments on your character. That is often too. I have been praised for the way that you are and the kid that you are. I love how bright you are and the way you are your own little person. No matter what you stay true to your self. you are so ahead of your years(appropriately) for example I can talk to you and explain my reasons for things and situations and you ask me questions and you just get it. I had a conversation with your teacher today and she was so bummed to be loosing you. I could genuinely  see her reaction when I confirmed what you had shared with her that day. We are moving home(California) for a year while daddy is Korea for the army. We talked about how you cary yourself and how you are such a pleasure and how bright you are. How she trust you to do the right thing. I love hearing all about you. I love to see that all my hard work as a parent has really paid off so far. They can see the time we have invested by the way it reflects in you. you got your first report card in first grade and there was nothing below a 93, and you received all E (excellent) Keep on my sweet girl. keep asking me questions when you are curious, Burry your face in books and even when I don't know the answer I will do my best to answer you. I love that you want me around you all the time, I love that even though you are so independent you still want and need me. You love it when I walk you to class, I asked you if you want me to drop you off at the gate and you said nope walk with me, you hold my hand and I told you as long as you want me to walk you and aren't embarrassed to be with your "mom" I will walk with you always!

a couple of days ago you got this cute little picture a classmate made for you (a boy) and you were so shy but you were so gracious and thanked him. you went home and made him a picture in return, I thought it was so sweet that you wanted to make him something. So today we came home after we had a play date after school and you asked to speak to me in my bedroom and we went and talked, you shared with me that you liked him. we talked about feeling and the way that at this stage its okay to have crushes but we don't need to throw around the "boyfriend". word for years and years down the road. lol. you shared that he came up to you in the playground and said he finds you interesting and whats to know more about you. A little too much "grown talk" for mommy but I turned it around and we decided thats it okay to play together with out titles and once in a while make pictures for each other. :))) you were fine with that saying you agreed. there was so much more to that and the way smoother class mates started singing the " kissing song" and making up things like that you guys are boyfriend and girlfriend. you set your classmate straight though and I love it. Want to know what I loved most of all that?  THAT YOU CAME TO ME. you came to me and shared this with ME you have no idea what this means to me. I want you ALWAYS come to me when you have , thoughts, dilemmas,cocerns, anything! I will always be all EARS! always my darling little girl. Thank you for sharing your stories with me it means so much to me. YOU don't imagine just how happy it makes me. it so funny because you are so smart and strong minded in your ways, but yet you are our little scary cat. You can't even even see a gun on tv or a knife of blood, even though you know its not real. We have learned to help you through those emotions because you take things to heart so deeply when you are sad. you are so compassionate and so strong. Mommy and daddy will always be your biggest fan. 

Random words

There is something special about having children that I truly admire and Cherish. In the bath tub today with my youngest an unplanned little bonding moment I am thinking back on now that it's bed time and I am decompressing from my day. I love that I only know them this way. Asking her would rather this or that questions and seeing what she fires back with! No one else gets these moments like we do. I love that my children can be themselves Around me. I love that I am the only one that gets repaid with these smiles and random words and silly dance moves. I love that they can fully be themselves. That they are comfortable enough to be who they really are and not who we try to Teach them to be in "public" the way we have to censor them sometimes out in public. Even as adults. For example I love that I can be my true self around my husband and I know he will still love me. When in public I have to act like a a good well behaved grown up. There is something to be said about a child's mind. I am learning through my daughters day to day actions that I love that they reserve all those moments for me. We offer them a sense of security where their little walls come down and they are themselves. Where they can be goofy and make some inappropriate sounds from their bodies and we all just giggle.  Like the saying goes " home is where they have to let you in" so true! They way these girls are at home you know for sure they would be a little shy and embarrassed to act this way in front for their friends In fear of being "uncool" not at home! I love it! It's their little personality it's what their character is made from. I want them to carry them self  as society standards expects but be able to hold on to that inner child even in their grown years. 

My girls

Ezra:

This girl 😍 is getting so big on me and has gotten so much more affectionate! Always Been with me but lately it's intense! " mommy I love you so much" and "you are then best mom ever" I soak it all up! I love her with so much passion it's insane! I think I get like this more so because I know (or hope 😉) she is our last baby! She brightens up my life more than I could have imagined! I am constantly craving to grab her and just pull her in to me and kiss her and hold her. Just touch her little face. My heart melts, like literally melts I feel my self puddle around her as I takin all the love I feel when we hold. I never could have ever imagined such a love. My girls mean the world to me. To think I questioned how I could love two with the same passion. You don't love them the same, you love them differently but with the same strength. I love each of them for the way they are. I love them both to the way they need the love. Ezra my little strong willed little girls who usually likes to come around on her own time has taught me so much patience and has given me such an appreciation for lessons learned! Ezra has always been one to know what she wants and go after what she wants at her own speed. I truly hope that this trait follows her in her life. I love that she is so strong and so sure of her self. 

Isla: 

My sweet girl. I love the way that she is her own little person but loves to follow the rules. She craves direction and guidance. I love the way she is growing in to her self and finding out what her little personality can get her. She is so artistic and creative. Isla literally lights up my world with her little face. One of my favorite things to do is while I am driving I look in my rear mirror and see her little face and I just admire all the little details of her face. My heart explodes for her. I love the little person she is growing in to. Such a pleasant little girl. I often get so many compliments on how smart and sweet she is. It just oozes out of her and I love how it's just so contagious. We get such great notes from her teacher. Her last teacher parent conference I was literally brought to tears in the car after I left. I was recollecting out meeting and sharing with my husband the details and I was tearing up at how proud she makes me. Her teacher paid her the ultimate compliment. She told me that she only would hope that her OWN children would treat their teacher with respect and be as good of a student as my isla is for her. I think that's a huge compliment coming from someone who spend so much time with my child and works on enlightening the little minds of her other students. We work hard to let her know how proud she makes us and just how much she enriches our world. I constantly tell her how she makes me proud. Building her up so that she can grow with confidence. 

In my life I have accomplished some pretty amazing things meeting my husband for one, everything good in my life are because of him. I feel so happy in my life that at times you have to wonder how it could get better, then every new day I see my little family and my heart just smiles! 

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and i was just the host i felt like i had a better picture example of this but its obvious she looks like him in any of these, but whe you see the two together she looks nothing like mama and ALL like daddy! Lucky him!

We made a beautiful baby and i am glad she looks like him. I definitely feel as though i added some softness to her! I'M IN THERE SOMEWHERE!!!!

I do love the way I look at her and I can see her daddy. its so beautiful the way genetics work and I love that we created her in love and together.  maybe the next one will look like me... a little. :)

My first born

Happy Birthday princess! 

Wow! 4 years ago on September 26th you gave me the privilege of becoming your mommy. I can't Believe you are 4 now. Daddy just got back from his training and we were still in California about to embark on our trip to our new home for the next 4 years in Texas. None the less we wanted to do something special for you and asked you what you wanted to do for your special day and you wanted to go to the aquarium of the pacific so for the second year in a row. The weekend before was the Santa Barbara zoo. We wanted to make it so special for you. So off we went on a "birthday surprise" you had no idea what we had planned for you, may be the last year we can actually pull off a little surprise for you.  We decided to take you solo just mommy and daddy and Isla date. We fully enjoyed you. So did you. We decided to surprise you with your cousin Eden joining us. You were so excited and so extreamly surprised at it all. After a fun filled aquarium trip we were on our way to gramas house where she had a little birthday planned for you. Frozen theme of course. All your little friends were There to celebrate with you and send you off to your new journey. We had such a blast and at the end of the day I had one of those moments where I realize that you were getting to be a big girl and that you were quickly outgrowing me. Made that clear when I carried you in after you fell asleep in the car and I had to carry you in since daddy was taking in your presents and your little sister. I carried you in and your legs hung off me in a way that made me see how much you have really grown. I love you so much and I don't want you to grow any more. I wish for time to stand still and let me take in all your cuteness and sassy quirky responds. I thank god for you everyday. I watch you as you sleep and your beautiful profile sucks me in and clarifies to me why I am so thankful. We have a connection that I have never had with anyone before not only because you are my daughter but because we're the reasn I became a mother and for that I am thankful. I love you little lady. I am so proud of the little sassy, smart,compassionate, little soft 

being you are. Stay that way my love

. 

Life lately

According to "our iPhones" the husbands and mine :) thank you iPhone for sorting them in date order for me. Technology is great!

In good ol' California  

First stop palms springs

Into Arizona we gooooo

Texas here we come 

Life is pretty grand right now.